


just like the setting sun is returned to the lonesome ocean

by constanted



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Awkward Conversations, Caduceus Clay's 9 Intelligence, Gen, Hurt/Comfort or at least an Attempt Thereof, She Died But She Got Better, So did he, Unresolved, implied fjord/caduceus kind of a little bit, neither of them are good at having friends or talking about their personal feelings, post-episode 83
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-01
Updated: 2019-11-01
Packaged: 2021-01-16 16:30:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,887
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21274253
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/constanted/pseuds/constanted
Summary: “I don’t know if you’re being passive-aggressive or just weird. I’m leaning toward the second one, ‘cuz it’s you, but--”He shrugs, hums, “It can be both. I’m being passive-aggressive, but I’m always a little bit weird.”(or: Caduceus is good at reading people. Caduceus is good at talking about death. Nott proves to be an exception to his usual talents.)





	just like the setting sun is returned to the lonesome ocean

**Author's Note:**

> mmmmm still working on my cr character voices. i like caduceus being An Asshole With Good Intentions. i like characters Talking About Their Feelings. i like writing fic that'll get jossed in 6 days. so here's some of all of that.

“Jester’s good at that, huh?” and she jumps at his voice, which is fine. He’s used to that. He was a quiet child, and he’s a quieter grown-up.

Yeza was asleep by the time they’d arrived at the Chateau, and none of the Nein were quite content to stay cooped up anywhere, so they’ve ended up on the beach in the moonlight, the six of them. Jester and Beau are up to… something, Caduceus was a bit frightened to ask; Caleb is off swimming, surrounded by globules of light; and Fjord’s just standing, his feet buried in the sand more and more as waves crash. Caduceus had spent time with him for a while—it’s Her domain, they ought to enjoy it together.

But Her domain or not, Caduceus is… not a huge fan of the sea. Early impressions tend to leave a lot of impact on him. So he respects Fjord’s love of the ocean. He _ admires _ Fjord’s love of the ocean. He _ loves _ Fjord’s love of the ocean, it’s just great. But he’s not going to meditate in the ocean, thank you very much.

So here he is. Starting a conversation about death with Nott.

“Jessie's good at a lot of things,” Nott says, rather blandly, “You’ll have to be more specific.”

He gives her a Look. He’s not very good at Looks, but he’s been at the end of quite a few in his time, and while he’s no Fjord, he’s _ okay _ at impressions. Though, with how long it’s been since he’s seen anyone capable of this specific Look, he’s definitely a little bit rusty. So he clarifies. “_Revivifying_. You see anything on the other side?”

“I heard a phrase. I can’t remember it.”

“I assume you’d prefer we don’t bring that up to your family tomorrow, then.” And he offers a smile, a light laugh. 

Nott responds with a numb echo of the laugh. “No, no. We shouldn’t.” She’s sat on a rock. He sits on the ground--they’re almost at equal eye level, like this. He doesn’t look at her, nor she at him. And he says, “We’re lucky to have her.”

“I don’t know if you’re being passive-aggressive or just _ weird_. I’m leaning toward the second one, ‘cuz it’s _ you_, but--”

He shrugs, hums, “It can be both. I’m being passive-aggressive, but I’m always a little bit weird.” Nott takes this opportunity to give him a Look, and it is far better than Caduceus’ was. “How do you keep your eyebrows like that?”

“Ducey,” she says. “If this is your way of--I’m sorry about killing you--”

“That’s not why I’m mad. Mad's the wrong word, also. I’m fine with dying. I’ve died before, so have you, it’s--it’s certainly not _ ideal, _but if you were to accidentally kill anyone in this group, I’d probably be happiest with it.”

“Did you see things on the other side?”

“I mean… yeah? Dying and coming back is kind of a. Family ritual.”

Nott squints. “I’ve done it twice and I _ do not _see the appeal.”

“It’s not for everyone. And it’s _ expensive. _ I didn’t realize how expensive it was. And it hurt. A lot. And I don’t know where my family even found diamonds for that kinda ritual, because they’re n… oh, wow, they probably _ are _ for sale in Shady Creek Run, actually. Oh no.” And Nott laughs, loud, and Caduceus laughs, too, because that’s just _ awful _, isn’t it. And at a moment of silence: “I’m worried about you, Nott.”

Which is honest, and which is open. He ought to practice what he preaches. Fjord’s head is turned, looking at the two of them, eyebrow quirked. Caduceus smiles vaguely, and Fjord, smiles back, nods his head. And Caduceus mouths, _ In a minute_, and Fjord rolls his eyes, and Nott is talking, “--ou think I’m reckless--”

“I do. And I… I can be reckless, too, all of us can be reckless, but I don’t want any of us endangered because of that recklessness. I’m here to keep us alive, right? And I may sound like I’m shirking my duties by saying this, but I’d prefer that job be… easy? Let’s say.”

“But someone needs to take the damage.”

“Unless we can stop the thing that threatens to damage us. And--when you… when I died, that was an attempt at stopping the fiend. I was unconscious, and hard to see. That wasn’t reckless, that was--well, the use of the explosive freaks me out, a little, but. Well. Uh. But in the Happy Fun Ball, you--you just rushed in to danger, and your _ soul left your body_, Nott. I--if Jester hadn’t been so fast, I’d have to, uh. Try a ritual I’ve never seen succeed, much less attempt.” Caleb, Beau, and Jester would certainly be persuasive enough, he thinks. Fjord, too; if Caduceus cast the ritual, Fjord already has the favor of the goddess trying to bring her back. But, well. Favor doesn’t always work. Persuasiveness doesn’t always work. Love doesn’t always work. He purses his lips. “Necromancy’s weird.”

“I--Halas could have helped me,” Nott says. “He was researching….”

“Yeah. I… yeah. I’m sure that… I’m sure that Caleb can figure it out. He’s smart, and he cares about you a lot. And I think--I’ve never seen it, but there’s something I could learn to do. I mean. You’d have to die, and then we’d have to cremate you or _ decompose _ you or maybe air bury you, get rid of the body, but. And also, I won’t be able to do that for a long time, if I ever learn how to do it, and it’s expensive, but--hey. It’s something. Again, I’d… I’d prefer that you _ not _ die. And Caleb can probably figure _ that _ out. But, all else fails, Jester can probably learn it, too? I don’t know if it’s in her Traveller’s purview, but I’d _ guess_, because she and I can do pretty similar things.”

“I mean, the Traveller just brought me back to life, no thanks to you and Fjord’s _ Mom_.” It’s teasing. Friendly, in spite of the subject matter. Caduceus grins.

“Jester is a much faster runner than me. Both of you are so short but so _ fast _, Beau too. I don’t get it. I mean--I was faster than… does being smaller make you faster?”

“I’m faster than I was when I was a halfling, and I was shorter, then,” Nott says, “So I don’t think so.”

“Huh. But, Nott, just… look. I... I understand recklessness, and I understand fear, and I understand dying. So if you want to talk about it, that’s--I can do that. I just want you to be careful. And not… run into the mouth of a frog monster, so to speak. That’s, uh. That’s just a metaphor.”

“Who else was in that frog monster’s stomach?”

Caduceus resists the urge to say that he was swallowed by the frog on no fault of his own. He’s _ very _ good at resisting urges. “It’s _ just _a metaphor.”

Nott scoffs.

“You had brothers, right?”

“Three of them.”

“I just had--have one.”

“And you had a metric fuckton of sisters.”

“There were a few, yeah. There’s… there w-_-_two sisters. And then me and my brother.”

“Mine are awful.”

Caduceus scratches at his bad knee and nods. “Family’s weird. Do you miss them, ever? I miss… even the ones who I didn’t get along with, I do miss them.” He thinks. (He also thinks, sometimes, that, should they ever meet the Nein, his family would not really care for the company Caduceus has found. And he doesn’t know how he’d handle _ that _. Because while, sure, Yeza and Luc had to adapt to the Nein’s… quirks, they’re not a stubborn lot. Caduceus tries not to think about how his family would think of these people often. They'd probably like Fjord, Bell and Jester would get along _terrifyingly._)

“You know you can have Jester message them.”

More curt than he'd prefer to sound, “If I ever feel the need, I can message them myself.”

“You can send--”

“Do you miss your brothers, Nott?”

“Not… no, not really.”

Caduceus nods. And there’s a moment of silence, not uncomfortable. Nott plucks a flower out of the crown on her head, starts to fidget with it. Caduceus takes one, too, _decomposes_ it, pokes at the little glowing mushroom that emerges in his hand. It’s pink, which is nice, because not many pink ones have grown, lately, with that spell.

“I don’t want to die, if that’s what you’re worried about. I’d just--what we do is frightening. And you have your ways of dealing with fear, and I have mine. And mine aren’t _ ideal_, but they _ help_. I know you want to bring up the drinking, so--”

“Don’t egg me on, I’ll get to it.”

“Don’t _ draw it out_.”

“I know that Jester’s already talked to you about it, I know that you’re not gonna. Just. Stop. That’s not how anything works. But it’s still worrying. And I still don’t like it. But you’ve been working on it. I just don’t want to see you fall back into bad habits.”

She stares at him, and her eyes really do look like saucers. He stares back. He wonders what his eyes look like. She balls her fist, and her lip twitches. She looks away. With feeling, “I’m not trying to die.”

“I’d hope not,” he says. “I’m also not trying to die.” (But there’s not much of that last vision left.) “I’d prefer it if none of you died, I like all of you a lot. I’m not really used to having friends, so I’d like to keep the ones I have.” And Nott laughs, at that, nods. She understands. “Just, uh. Avoid the explosives around me, and I think we’ll be good.”

An awkward wink, “No promises.”

He winces, attempts another Look. “I’m serious. And I’ll make sure to run faster if--God forbid-- you drop again, alright? Can’t have Jester doing _ all _ the reviving.”

“Yeah, you’re the _ death guy.” _

“I guess that I am.” And he looks at the ocean, at Caleb and Fjord in it. Sees that Jester and Beau have come in near Caleb, that they’re sneaking up behind him--part of Caduceus wants to shout out a warning, but it’s funny to see Caleb panic. A little bit. Kind of. A lot. Fjord looks back at the two of them, makes a face as if to say _join the fun_. Nott flips him off. Caduceus smiles. “These are good people.”

Nott looks away, again. “Yeah.”

“I’m gonna join them. Don’t, uh. Don’t get yourself killed.”

“Same to you, Ducey. And, uh. How long?"

"Until?"

"The--the ritual you mentioned. How long would it take you and Jester to learn?"

"The... it's--look. I've only ever heard about it in stories. It's... far beyond my capabilities right now, but I think that with enough time and faith--"

"Yeah. yeah, it's--stupid of me to ask."

"You're not stupid."

"Whatever, er. Go... _commune _with Fjord, or whatever you two call it." He rolls his eyes, she wags her eyebrows. He pats her head as he stands up.

And he wanders off towards the ocean, and he barely even notices Nott wandering off away from the beach.

**Author's Note:**

> true res is fucking sexy and fucking expensive, dude.  
uh. yeah. someone teach the whole bottom table how to Actively Address Their Own Issues In Front Of Others, thank you.
> 
> comment, kudo, etcetera please!
> 
> tumblr @yahooanswer


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